Service.

I’m not sure whether this is going to be a popular post but I honestly don’t really care. I’m not trying to achieve becoming popular with this blog. Actually I was just recently talking to a friend and she asked me what it was that I wanted to accomplish with my writings. I told her to read my intro post in which I had mentioned I wanted to be in service and that if there was only one person who resonated with my texts then I’d consider myself as successful (if such a category even exists).

So what is service about? Immediately Lucifer comes into my mind and I can almost hear him whisper ‘non serviam’ which seems to be contrary to the idea of service per se. Of course this depends on the definition of service. I don’t want to get scholarly here, there are so many versions of this old story. We could analyze this for ages and there are far more suitable people than me to do that. Let’s just assume for the moment that Lucifer in his serpent form was indeed the one to present Eve with the apple in the Garden. Who did he serve with this act? Although there are some theological debates on the exact nature of the ability which was given to Adam and Eve by eating the apple I’ll stick here to the one which allowed them to differentiate between Good and Evil. Gifting mankind with this capacity and the consequent possibility of development is at least for me an immense kind of service. So Lucifer’s famous outcry ‘non serviam’ might only refer to the God of the Old Testament and his Status Quo which – taken literally – would have meant blissfulness forever for the price of not being able to move on. So ‘non serviam’ means here the refusal to obey authorities which is a pretty chaos magickal approach.

Service is therefore only to be defined from a certain point of view at a given time. As it is an act of rebellion for some it is also an act of kindness and support for others at the same time. Especially in times like these it is essential to have a grasp of who we serve, politically, ethically, emotionally. We serve ourselves in allowing for our personal development. We ideally serve our communities in supporting each other, helping out where help is needed, showing that kindness we’d have wished for years ago in difficult situations. We serve our children in loving and teaching them how to think for themselves and how to develop resilience. We serve our partners in challenging them to grow and to look at some issues in their own lives and pasts. We serve nature in acknowledging and honoring its cycles instead of fighting or exploiting them. We serve our ancestors in trying to include them in our lives no matter how difficult our relationships with them might have been. We serve our teachers in listening to them and finally finding our own ways (thank you A., if you ever read these lines). We serve the invisible worlds in being there, listening and acting where it is needed even if we don’t always understand their goals. We serve the entities we choose to work with (or they choose us for workings) in giving them attention, emotion, offerings, energy. We serve each others as magicians and witches in challenging each other to grow through discussions and practices.

But service is not a one way thing. The very moment you decide to serve someone or something you establish a relationship and it doesn’t matter whether it lasts 3 seconds or 30 years. So what’s the difference between service and a pact? Intent. If I want to reach an agreement with someone or something my intent is focusing on what I want and what I’m willing to trade in for that whereas if I’m in service I just give without the intent to receive. Please don’t get me wrong, boundaries are something essential, in life as well as in magick. But there are situations where you can choose to be in service without expecting anything in return. And you’ll still receive something but maybe not something you want but something you need. The difference might sound subtle but is actually huge. For example, you might want to work more to get a raise but what you actually need is to look after your health. Similarly while you want a functioning relationship you might need a break.

To sum it up, rebellion and service are basically two sides of the same coin. They both establish a relationship one way or the other. Both concepts might sound a bit grandiose but actually an act of rebellion doesn’t have to be big neither does it have to be fierce. Sometimes being rebellious (and in service) means deciding to show a bit of kindness, understanding, caring. It can be smiling at someone on the street who just passes by, feeding stray animals, giving a few coins and hot coffee to someone without a home. Rebellion sometimes means acting against mainstream in being compassionate, offering a helping hand or listening to someone. Similarly being in service might mean accepting the role of the family’s black sheep in order to break up toxic patterns so that the next generation can move on. Sometimes being in service does mean roaring like a lioness.

We’re all facing times of political and environmental upheaval. It’s a survival strategy to be rebellious and the outcry ‘non serviam’ should be shouted out to those who try to manipulate us with their ‘news’, those who exploit nature and people for their infinite greed because being a millionaire is not enough as there are billions to be earned, to those who try to set us against each other in order to justify their political agendas, to those who destroy health care and social systems.

We all are in service of one and rebelling against the other side. Choose wisely, because being neutral is no option in the long run.

Compromises?

For everyone who thought this blog is personal I have some news – it’s getting even more personal.

I have reached a pivotal point where I feel with every fibre of my organism – the material and the immaterial one – two different things. First, I have to take my magickal workings to the next level and second, I have to be more open about it. Magick has been part of my life for many years now but I had chosen to live it more or less discreetly. Why? Out of the very same reasons many of us choose to keep a low profile, because of our professions or because of our family members, reducing exposition and thinking it would work. Well, for me it doesn’t.

So although the last couple of years of my life were mainly about my family and reorientation in my professional life which both required a lot of time and energy I know it’s time for something new. One night in April this year (actually one of the anniversary days of the transmission of The Book of the Law) I received a sigil in a dream. It was a red one and upon waking up I immediately made a sketch of it. After quite a few days of research I realized that some references to specific entities were implied in it but then the sigil as a whole wasn’t anything that belonged to some being. At least this was what I had initially thought and it took another few days to realize that it belonged to me. I asked a highly knowledgeable friend about any ideas of a red sigil on a white ground and he referred me to Peter Grey and his Red Goddess. I did have a specific relationship to Babalon before that but this book was a game changer nevertheless. It sent fire through my whole body and contributed a lot to my decision to break my silence at last and to start to live the next decade of my life in a totally different way. I knew in my heart, my bones, in every cell of my body and my soul that I had to live my magick more openly and intensely. Otherwise a part of my essence would be lost, and although I could function in a practical sense, be there for my kids as a responsible mother I would never be happy but reduced to a basic existence without the feeling of being really alive.

So this specific call has been heard and accepted.

But what does that actually mean to the people closest to me and to my heart? Some of my friends need to be more patient as I don’t have the extra time and energy I had before but luckily enough they are few and have been with me for so many years that our friendships are stable enough despite of our respective phases of life. Some members of my family need to deal with a lot more because I’m not going to apologize for who I am and what I do. Yes, I’m stubborn, emotional, challenging, strong, vulnerable, obsessed with fairness and seek too much for perfection (aka pain in the ass) but that’s always been the case. However, it is something new that I’m consciously taking considerably more time for my magick, my writing and building magickal relationships.

Sounds selfish? I can recall one statement during my early training as a counsellor when my professor proclaimed ‘…if anyone in this room is feeling better than me right now then I’m definitely doing something wrong…’ At first it sounded pretty heretic to my ears as being someone who had always been told to ‘please finally fit in’ and ‘be considerate of others’. Actually, my professor was quite right. If we don’t cultivate self-care we are lost at supporting others. For each and every act of love, patience and kindness we need to show the same love, patience and kindness to ourselves.

So I’d like to rephrase ‘being selfish’ into ‘being true to oneself without deliberately trampling on other’s feelings’. Each and every time I ask myself if I should be ‘selfish’ I assess what I would tell my kids if they were in my position. And if the answer is something coming from a place of encouragement and support then I try to show myself at least 50% of that kindness (the other 50% is still work in progress). Being true to oneself is actually beneficial for everyone surrounding us because it means being authentic and that makes us stable, centered and present. It also teaches our kids to stand up for themselves even if it’s not always comfortable.

Therefore I just don’t accept certain compromises anymore if they are serious obstacles for my magickal path. Of course this is a source of conflict sometimes but it works until now although not always easily. Living a mundane (although not conservative) relationship and also working magickally with other people involves some trust issues as certain things happen sub rosa, in the secrecy of a temple. This requires talking about boundaries and establishing them from time to time anew. Being burnt at the stake is not our biggest concern as occultists anymore but being true to oneself means sometimes losing people which also means facing the question who you are ready to lose. My priorities are my kids and my magick. I enjoy to be loved as most of us do but asking me to ignore my magickal path is a deal breaker.

There is quite a tradition to lock people into ‘broom closets’ (aka sanatoriums, prisons, re-educational centers, etc.) as a form of punishment for seeking a different life instead of compromising with social standards, to use their ‘irregular behavior’ against them ‘to burn at the stake’ although not physically but in every other term. In order to defy this tradition we should probably do ourselves a favor and take some time to get our personal priorities right applied to our mundane and magickal lives.

Underworld.

Everybody’s underworld is different. Mine is a dark wood full of giant trees but I can’t see any sky above me as I’m below the ground. The trunks of my trees are entwined with the roots of those above the ground, they feed them, tell them how to grow, communicate with them.

The air is warm and moist down here. At first nothing moves but if you have a closer look you’ll notice the myriads of insects crawling around in the ground and on the roots and trunks. If you listen close enough you might even hear their tiny legs making noises on the black humid earth.

I feel like within a vast sheltered cave which I can’t see any boundaries of. Water is running somewhere. For me it is a safe place that gives me serenity and peace, where the only noises come from the water and the insects and amphibious beings. Everything seems to tell me to have a little rest, to pour my worries down some creek or bury them under the welcoming roots of a giant tree within the moist earth full of bugs that will take care of the decomposing process. I like to imagine walking barefoot through this landscape, feeling the earth beneath my feet, the tickling of its inhabitants, maybe even a snake slowly sliding over my toes whispering to me whatever is on its mind.

So what to do if you are called to work with the underworld and its beings?

I have always felt being drawn to Hekate and over the years I had longer and shorter workings with her. One stood out as a very intimate experience which was completely unplanned and unexpected and gave me a huge boost forward this summer. I won’t go into explanations regarding her name, her attributes and powers. This is something that can be researched online pretty easily. It is enough to say that for me, she never seemed to be distant but caring. It is not always easy or comfortable to process great amounts of energy during workings or communications. But she makes it bearable by adapting herself to the size of the vessel. Like a drop from the ocean she still contains every aspect of herself but instead of drowning you can actually drink that one drop (which will still burn through your veins and your body and you most likely get a huge hangover from it).

On the night of November 16 she calls for the release of things that don’t serve us anymore. Obstacles, toxic parts of our past, our pain, our anxieties, our guilt, our distrust. What is it like to stand in the woods in the middle of the night of one November 16, feel the earth beneath your feet and bury your sacrifices with your bare hands and nails (I told you before this blog will get your hands dirty…) in the cool, moist ground, feel the insects crawling over your fingers, cover everything with half rotten leaves and leave some eggs as an offering there? For me, it felt like being in my beautiful peaceful quiet underworld and leaving things I don’t need anymore in my life.

But here comes the crucial point: Each and every emotion or experience I buried there – on the real material plane as well as on the inner one – had taught me something. No matter what it was, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much it broke parts of me, still I needed it to become the person I am now. Far from perfect, but open enough to try to move on and still love, commit, hope and laugh. And acknowledge my darker parts, even if they might be scary sometimes. So I sacrificed things I don’t longer need but I also shed a few tears because they were great teachers.

In the end we are responsible for our own sovereignty. We need to decide which experiences and emotions we allow to define us, to which ones do we yield some of our personal power. If you are going to tell the story of your life you don’t have the choice what you experienced but you always have the choice in which words you describe your experiences. This is also called a narrative and taking control over one’s narrative is a deeply magickal act connecting us to our very cores.

Not allowing some of our experiences to define us might also mean a phase of insecurity because as long as we had that frame of definition we knew at least where we were at. It sounds a bit strange but if we know distrust then it makes us feel safe, which is of course nothing but an illusion because it doesn’t decrease the actual probability of being lied to. However, it provides us with a kind of comfort zone where we might not feel very comfortable but in the end we can at least say: I knew it. To actively leave these patterns means to have to build new ones, to leave our (dis)comfort zone and this requires courage and strength and being able to tolerate being vulnerable.

So burying things isn’t only a material or a magickal act, it is also the act of taking control over one’s narrative and changing patterns. With rituals like these we actually offer the greatest sacrifice, our own vulnerability and set out to claim new territories of the mind and the soul. And as these are intrinsically linked to our magick we reclaim our power that we need to explore the infinite landscapes of magick that open up in front of us.

Daily practice.

OK, let’s talk about an easy topic, right? I mean sacrificing 20 to 30 min per day for a daily practice is no big thing, right?

Well, it depends on the amount and quality of readily available excuses I guess. My favourite excuses are my kids and my tiredness. To be straightforward, I hate meditation. Unfortunately most magical teachings begin with ‘sit down and shut … up’ (please insert your favorite swear word). So, no, you can’t skip it or just do it once a week but then ‘more intensely’. It simply doesn’t work that way. It took me some years to accept this and to put together a daily practice that lasts about 30-60 min depending on my schedule (only to keep things running smoothly).

The key for finding a successful daily practice for me was reading a lot about what others recommend, then discarding it and putting together those parts I could really resonate with. This came with a series of trial and error. For example, quite a few years ago I was trying to work with a system that wasn’t made for me (or I wasn’t made for it). As stubborn as I am, I wanted to succeed at any cost. To realize that we weren’t compatible then (maybe we’ll be at some other point of my magickal life) was something essential as I had to accept that sometimes you are called to do your work in a different way and to walk a different path (at least for a while). Please don’t get me wrong, discipline is required everywhere but if you have been knocking on a door for a long time and it still doesn’t open up then maybe you should try a different one.

The most important thing for me was to stop being nervous about putting things together from different sources. Do research, experiment and find out what works for you. If it’s 100% like someone else’s practice then it’s fine. If you are mixing things from different traditions, it’s fine as well. The only thing I’d keep in mind is that to mix some devotional practice of different entities might not always be the best idea. The second most important thing was that from time to time I have to adapt my practice because my life is subject to change.

For me, a successful daily practice generally consists of a few elements. First it should calm me down, help to focus my mind on different things than mundane ones. It should ease tension in my body, turn the background chattering in my head to a lower level, allow my whole body to breathe and actually enjoy that. It should also teach how to direct energy through the body. And of course it should teach how to manage visualization with closed eyes while directing energy through your body.

For now, a non-devotional, stripped down, basic chaos magickal practice with a bit of ceremonial magick works very well for me but I don’t bring in any specific deities at the moment. If I incorporate daily workings with Hecate or Babalon, I skip the ceremonial part and focus on the devotional one. This daily practice has evolved into a series of mini-rituals where I choose a purpose and work on that over a specific period of time in a sequence until I’m satisfied with the energy I have been pouring into it and then move on to the next one. But this is of course embedded into exercises to hold focus, to raise energy and also some basic ‘banishing’ but not in order to actually banish anything (as I believe in communicating in a respectful way instead of commanding anything around… honestly, I’d be pretty pissed off if I was summoned and be bossed around by some haphazard magician) but to exercise visualizations skills.

At some point during my practice I picture myself standing in the centre of the universe feeling endless possibilities opening up in front of me and deciding to pick whatever I want. Sounds pretty arrogant? Actually, no. Each and every one of us is capable to make him- or herself the focus of the universe at every second. This is the point where doubts and anxieties disappear, you just stop questioning yourself and reach out. And if your aim is within your web of fate you’ll get at least a step closer to it.

Ultimately again it’s about experimenting with ideas, you simply need to check if your work is balanced in the way you’re practicing it. And again no, you can’t skip meditation.

Dressing up and megalomania.

Is there anybody else who thinks that dressing up in robes and using swords, wands and other tools is a kind of cosplay? My first boyfriend was a passionate player of games like D&D, Vampire: The Masquerade and The Call of Cthulhu. I was 17 and jealous of him spending nights with his friends instead of me so I guess this wasn’t a very good start at all regarding games and dressing up. As I grew older I found myself within a community where intellect was everything and feelings were regarded as obstacles. I twisted myself to fit in for a while until I finally couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Both communities – my boyfriend’s friends and that tight-knit community of lawyers disrespecting everything that wouldn’t fit into their worldview – had some things in common: The way they dressed respectively the way they talked to each other was pretty specific. As I found myself to be in the wrong place within both communities (and hadn’t developed enough self confidence yet) I began to look down at them. First I felt superior in relation to my boyfriends’ friends because I thought I was more intelligent than them and later I felt superior in relation to my colleagues because I thought they were focusing on the ‘less meaningful’ things of life.

I guess I was pretty arrogant during my early twenties.

When I first started reading books on magick and occultism I was excited and also annoyed by the fact how many requisites were needed for e.g. ceremonial magick. I’m not the most patient person (as everybody who knows me can attest) so I was eager to start and questioned how far away I was allowed to stray from the ‘correct’ tools in my workings. I wrongly assumed the results would depend on my tools. So I paid a lot of attention on the outer things and too little on the inner planes and at some point decided that magick didn’t work very well as I saw only minimal results.

Of course it was like this because I didn’t have a daily practice of meditation and I wasn’t learning to raise and direct energy. To put it simply: I wasn’t ‘plugged into the socket’. This insight came later but when it came I basically turned 180° into the other direction. Just as I had decided to look down at my colleagues and my first boyfriends’ friends I decided to look down at outer requirements in magick.

At that time I almost exclusively focused on the inner requirements while learning the basics of magick. What this meant for my work was again a separate subject of revelation: I was more effective but actually I was again only working with half of my power and it cost me too much energy.

It is a challenge to do magick without outer requisites because your mind needs to enter a different state – comparable to a ‘night consciousness’. For entering this state more than one doorway is available depending on our personal strengths and weaknesses. Some find it easier to do relaxation and meditation exercises while others prefer entering ecstasy in one way or the other. In my opinion whatever works is valid (this is where my chaotic side comes through). However, requisites do serve a specific purpose. They help our minds getting into a different mood, a different state, to pick up on those frequencies we need for a specific work. So again this was only my hubris telling me differently.

To sum it up for me: On one hand dressing up and working with tools is not a sign of megalomania as long as it is not the only thing we are doing. It is however almost useless if our emotional state is not altered by it, if we are not plugged into the energies of the current we want to work with. On the other hand workings that are confined to the invisible planes might be effective if you’re lucky enough, have a lot of experience or manage to put a lot of emotion into it (which sometimes is not easy to direct). However neglecting one of these parts means you are probably depriving yourself of half of your power. The most effective workings are those where you are able to do the outer symbolic movements and use the tools but at the same time see through them and have a sense for the energies you communicate with and use the outer tools for this communication.

Our material bodies are interfaces to communicate with beings and in the same way material tools are interfaces to facilitate this communication. To ignore them is to work in an imbalanced way. And that took me quite a time to acknowledge and bury my hubris hopefully for good.

Being different.

I can recall pretty vividly being maybe 4 or 5 years old and sitting on a grave of a stranger. It was a beautiful sunny summer day and I didn’t quite understand why my grandmother who was tending her parents’ grave was crying. I knew of course that there were people lying in each and every grave but death seemed a concept being very far-fetched back then. I remember reading a book (started pretty early with that) and enjoying the sun. And the beings around me. They were almost unnoticeable but I just knew that somebody was watching rather curiously what that little blonde girl sitting on a stranger’s grave was up for.

It seemed quite normal for me to talk to and play with invisible beings during my childhood. Maybe I was just a very lonely kid but I like to think it was not only out of necessity I was talking to the land and its spirits. Actually I didn’t invent invisible friends who followed me around and had tea parties with me but rather it was always changing who I was playing with, according to the background scenery. I recall that some of the beings were ‘heavy’ or ‘strangely colored’. Some of them had shapes not even remotely resembling to human ones.

It was much later, maybe in my early twenties, when my interest for psychology came up but I didn’t have the courage to pursue it at university because of my disastrous financial situation caused by some family members. So I went for security and studied law because I knew that with that choice I would be financially okay at some point. Needless to say that it didn’t make me happy at all and after some years my interest in psychology broke through. Eventually I started a training as a psychological counsellor which required a series of sessions with a professional for ‘self examination’ as well.

However I soon discovered that it was a big challenge for me and probably almost every other occultist to talk to a psychologist/therapist/counsellor. Obviously our worldview as occultists makes us different. So how exactly should we be able to talk to a professional about invisible beings and energies and influencing/working with them without being diagnosed as schizophrenic or worse?

So the truth is I kept my mouth shut about certain things during these required self examination hours. It just felt very strange to me because the relationship between a client and a counsellor should be authentic, open and safe. And this is a threshold occultists cannot cross easily with a counsellor who doesn’t share a worldview where it is quite ‘normal’ to talk to invisible beings. I know there are pastors and/or other spiritual advisors but they are often enough stuck within their own spiritual frameworks which is not wrong at all but they probably don’t make ideal counsellors for a magician/witch.

Again, I’m only talking about my own experiences. But I feel that some of us still need assistance sometimes. And actually for me being able to reach out for help is a sign of strength.

Occultist-counsellor is maybe not a profession that’s very common and can’t be looked up in the Yellow Pages. But I have that gut feeling that this is something that’s needed. Being able to talk freely about mundane and magickal things without the pending sword of Damocles above us and having a common vocabulary even if not sharing the exact same belief system.

Being different is a part of our human nature. Being taken seriously, acknowledged as a good enough friend, partner, father or mother, sister or brother, daughter or son, despite of talking to invisible beings and communing with the powers of the land and the universe while reaching out for counsel is something that is very valuable to me. There is great courage in trying to break down old patterns that hinder our development as beings in mundane and/or magickal terms. And as this community keeps growing I think safe havens are needed where we are able to talk about our innermost parts that may tie in with our occult workings. And instead of being judged we need to be supported.

Initiation.

Most of us come across the word initiation in books or online and it often raises the question what exactly might be concealed by that.

‘Initio’ as a Latin verb refers to the act of guiding someone into the mysteries or – in a more mundane relation – to register oneself with a list of citizens. Used as an adverb it means ‘from the beginning’.

In both contexts if used as a verb it refers to starting something new. Some people interested in the occult assume that their path will be perfectly outlined for them if they get initiated into a group. These assumptions are erroneous. No organization is capable of dictating a spiritual path. The work that is required will also not be easier or less if you work in a group. There are however some indisputable advantages of working with others, for example the incredible sensation during ritual workings when it comes to raising energy. It can be a real high without any awareness expanding substances to feel the energy of like 50 people around you focusing on the same things at the same time. This high might actually last hours after the working has finished. So I’m not advocating against group workings at all.

Initiation into a group or order however is something one should think about for a while because it doesn’t only mean the dedication to work with a certain group of people but also to get into touch and connect oneself with the egregore of that specific group. Egregores can be pictured as entities that come to existence by the focused mind of people working together. In case of egregores of magical organizations they feed off the devotional and magical practice and sometimes are even capable to gain a life of their own (sometimes causing issues). By the way, some occultists do believe that the different gods are nothing but egregores having gained substance and influence by the fact of worship and communion. This is a question of perspective I guess.

One important thing is not to forget that even people who are not part of a specific group anymore can still provide some energy into the thought form of the egregore. This also applies to oneself in case of breaking the ties with a group. So it’s probably a good idea to choose wisely who you connect with and after a ‘break up’ make sure that your boundaries are firm enough. Basically as with all relationship issues.

Anyway, initiation takes place on different planes. One can be initiated by a group, by individual teachers or by unseen entities. It is also a false assumption – at least in my opinion – that we only get one major initiation in our magical careers. Personally I remember quite a few experiences I’d dare to call initiation and most of them occurred on the astral planes by energies I encountered in trance states, dreams or visions.

There are several authors who advocate self-initiation into a current. I think this is possible if you’re really dedicated, maybe even ‘called’ by it. I do think also that it is easier to use the outer dressing and make first contact with a current on a basic level than dive deeply into a connection with it. The difference for me is best explained that in the second situation you actually plug yourself into the socket where the energy comes from (connection with the ‘inner order’) whereas in the first you work with the symbols, know the mantras and rituals but the energy of the current is pretty low because you’re still focused on the outer part of it. To actually reach the second level discipline, focus and time are needed.

Self-initiation into different currents shouldn’t be taken lightly either. You do make contact with a group and its egregore on a different level than a material one. And it shouldn’t be ever about collecting badges or grades.

And how do I know if an initiation worked? Sometimes the effects unfold themselves almost immediately by causing major changes in your life on a material, emotional or mental level. Sometimes though they need years for manifestation. Again this is why keeping a diary helps, so you can write down the things that might have been caused by intense experiences and later revisit and validate them. But the fact that an initiation has occurred (regardless of its effects) you’ll know beyond doubt.

Keeping notes.

As far as I’m aware of most parts of the magical community are advocating keeping notes or diaries in one way or the other. The recommendation is omnipresent: work and keep notes.

Honestly, I hate keeping notes. They remind me of my habit as a High School student: Starting somewhere and then continuing on a different page or in a different notepad altogether. And shortly before an exam trying to put everything together to make at least some sense of it.

So I’m not a huge fan of that but actually it’s necessary. Magick is experimental or at least it should be. You need to know where you made the right choices that were leading to the desired results. And you need to know why you failed. Failure is inevitable and it is a good teacher.

So how do I coerce myself into being disciplined enough? At first I thought I needed a ‘special notepad’, looking mysterious and appealing. It didn’t work. Then I tried with very plain looking notepads that could easily be confused with those I had been using during my years at university. Didn’t work either. Then I tried using my laptop but as I’m not the only person having access to it I stopped pretty soon (the reasons for that are quite complex and may be revealed later, it has something to do with a relationship with an atheist who’s nevertheless pretty nervous about my practice). And then I found the perfect solution. I use a little notepad, not too pretty and not too plain, big enough to write into it without the letters becoming too small to be deciphered later but with a soft cover so it can easily fit into any of my handbags.

Still, I was pondering why it had taken me that long to figure it out and I came up with a theory: Our magickal diaries might be the most intimate ones we’ll ever keep. For me personally it took quite a few attempts because of an internal issue behind my reluctance: I didn’t want to leave traces. I didn’t want anything written that could later be used against me. Because even after many years I’m still fucking nervous about the things I experience and it takes courage to write things down because ultimately it could end up in the hands of the wrong person.

Nevertheless I encourage everyone of us to take that risk because without it you won’t be able to retrace your development later and being able to confirm and to validate your experiences is something that will motivate your workings even in your darkest moments. Think of your notes as a map of an unknown territory you’re exploring. You have a few tools at hand and work your way through uncharted landscapes. And one of your most valuable tools are your notes that are written records about how far you’ve come and maybe also provide some idea about what may cross your way soon.

So, trick yourself somehow into keeping notes. Whatever it takes, it’s worth it. You are charting your own journey which is something completely unique to you. No one can give you guidance (except for certain beings but this is a different topic). Be kind to your future self and invest the time it takes.

About me.

My name (yes, my real life one) is indeed Ursula. I have been working with magick for many years now, looking for answers.

I’m here to be a witness of my own magical development and of those of others. If only one person can use my experiences and thoughts to venture out and put theories to test then I did well.

I see myself in service of a community that keeps growing each and every day. I consider this community as my extended family. You don’t have to exactly love strange Uncle Stan or Aunt Maggie who usually makes questionable remarks at family gatherings. But all in all we get along because we share the belief that our material world is not the only one existing. Actually I had the privilege to experience that no matter how different our individual paths may be we can still communicate/commune in a respectful and fruitful way. 

This is why I started this blog. To be in service for the Great Work in ourselves. 

Know. Will. Dare. Silent?

Being reborn in Chaos.

Welcome at the threshold of my temple.

I have actually been pondering for quite a long time about writing a blog on magick as there are plenty out there and they get more on a daily basis.

So why another one then?

Well, basically because I want to encourage others to dare and experiment with their workings. It is not enough to sit back in a cosy chair and read tons of books. Magic(k) is not something static that can be once learnt and then you’re done with it.

While you are reading these very lines things have already changed, principles have evolved. To me personally it seems like each and every practitioner who communes with the laws of the magical world creates his/her own current by the simple fact that every one of us is biologically unique. It is not possible (nor in my opinion advisable) to try to recreate magic others performed.

The only rituals that will ultimately work for you are your own. This doesn’t mean we don’t need to observe some basic rules, it’s just bending the rules in a way that ties into your True Will and personality. By this you become your very own magic. And this is probably the reason that we are constantly being reminded of taking responsibility for our workings. Because they are coherently tied to us so they always have some (side) effects coming back to us, no matter what the original target was.

My intention is to create my own system of magic(k) – respecting all those who worked ardently before me – but ultimately finding my own. This will be experimental, unique, heretic and probably sometimes messy.

So, who’s coming with me?