Compromises?

For everyone who thought this blog is personal I have some news – it’s getting even more personal.

I have reached a pivotal point where I feel with every fibre of my organism – the material and the immaterial one – two different things. First, I have to take my magickal workings to the next level and second, I have to be more open about it. Magick has been part of my life for many years now but I had chosen to live it more or less discreetly. Why? Out of the very same reasons many of us choose to keep a low profile, because of our professions or because of our family members, reducing exposition and thinking it would work. Well, for me it doesn’t.

So although the last couple of years of my life were mainly about my family and reorientation in my professional life which both required a lot of time and energy I know it’s time for something new. One night in April this year (actually one of the anniversary days of the transmission of The Book of the Law) I received a sigil in a dream. It was a red one and upon waking up I immediately made a sketch of it. After quite a few days of research I realized that some references to specific entities were implied in it but then the sigil as a whole wasn’t anything that belonged to some being. At least this was what I had initially thought and it took another few days to realize that it belonged to me. I asked a highly knowledgeable friend about any ideas of a red sigil on a white ground and he referred me to Peter Grey and his Red Goddess. I did have a specific relationship to Babalon before that but this book was a game changer nevertheless. It sent fire through my whole body and contributed a lot to my decision to break my silence at last and to start to live the next decade of my life in a totally different way. I knew in my heart, my bones, in every cell of my body and my soul that I had to live my magick more openly and intensely. Otherwise a part of my essence would be lost, and although I could function in a practical sense, be there for my kids as a responsible mother I would never be happy but reduced to a basic existence without the feeling of being really alive.

So this specific call has been heard and accepted.

But what does that actually mean to the people closest to me and to my heart? Some of my friends need to be more patient as I don’t have the extra time and energy I had before but luckily enough they are few and have been with me for so many years that our friendships are stable enough despite of our respective phases of life. Some members of my family need to deal with a lot more because I’m not going to apologize for who I am and what I do. Yes, I’m stubborn, emotional, challenging, strong, vulnerable, obsessed with fairness and seek too much for perfection (aka pain in the ass) but that’s always been the case. However, it is something new that I’m consciously taking considerably more time for my magick, my writing and building magickal relationships.

Sounds selfish? I can recall one statement during my early training as a counsellor when my professor proclaimed ‘…if anyone in this room is feeling better than me right now then I’m definitely doing something wrong…’ At first it sounded pretty heretic to my ears as being someone who had always been told to ‘please finally fit in’ and ‘be considerate of others’. Actually, my professor was quite right. If we don’t cultivate self-care we are lost at supporting others. For each and every act of love, patience and kindness we need to show the same love, patience and kindness to ourselves.

So I’d like to rephrase ‘being selfish’ into ‘being true to oneself without deliberately trampling on other’s feelings’. Each and every time I ask myself if I should be ‘selfish’ I assess what I would tell my kids if they were in my position. And if the answer is something coming from a place of encouragement and support then I try to show myself at least 50% of that kindness (the other 50% is still work in progress). Being true to oneself is actually beneficial for everyone surrounding us because it means being authentic and that makes us stable, centered and present. It also teaches our kids to stand up for themselves even if it’s not always comfortable.

Therefore I just don’t accept certain compromises anymore if they are serious obstacles for my magickal path. Of course this is a source of conflict sometimes but it works until now although not always easily. Living a mundane (although not conservative) relationship and also working magickally with other people involves some trust issues as certain things happen sub rosa, in the secrecy of a temple. This requires talking about boundaries and establishing them from time to time anew. Being burnt at the stake is not our biggest concern as occultists anymore but being true to oneself means sometimes losing people which also means facing the question who you are ready to lose. My priorities are my kids and my magick. I enjoy to be loved as most of us do but asking me to ignore my magickal path is a deal breaker.

There is quite a tradition to lock people into ‘broom closets’ (aka sanatoriums, prisons, re-educational centers, etc.) as a form of punishment for seeking a different life instead of compromising with social standards, to use their ‘irregular behavior’ against them ‘to burn at the stake’ although not physically but in every other term. In order to defy this tradition we should probably do ourselves a favor and take some time to get our personal priorities right applied to our mundane and magickal lives.

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